Me, God and Life – The Battle Continues

I have not hidden the fact that I think life sucks, and God regularly seems to slap me in the face. People want me to believe in God. He is all around, He is in us all. Follow his path. I don’t see it. Every time something good happens, you need a good wack with something not so great.

I was losing weight well, until I went on holiday. Some moss under a rock overhang caused me to slip into another and even though I was wearing pants I injured my leg so bad I couldn’t stand up for extended periods, let alone exercise for months.

My parents offered a deal to encourage my weight loss at the start of the year, they would pay me $20 per kilo (very generous of them). By the end of the year I had lost 33kg (72 pounds) I had been on the way to 50kg. Unfortunately $400 of that disappeared 2 days later to repair the car steering lock. Swings and roundabouts. Always swings and roundabouts.

I know a lot of this seems like whinging and whining; ‘poor baby things aren’t going your way, boo hoo hoo, so many people have it so much worse.’ They do, they always do. I had a friend who whenever I mentioned something going wrong, (before my God fights) would go worse. Anything that happened to me he had to beat it, and he wasn’t even depressed.

A lot of you may think ‘hey you got that money just in time to pay for that bill’. True that is another way to look at it, you glass half full people you. It would be nice however to end up a little ahead, the glass almost full one time because it feels like the glass is forever low to empty. I know I have it better than a billion people but how do I survive without any control, any drive?

I have an IQ of 153, it was tested and I passed out 3 quarters of the way through the test, and yet I can’t do anything with it. The mental problems I have, the depression, the damage I have upstairs, means I will never get a job, most times I can barely function. God must of thought that it would be funny to mix intelligence with my problems and drive me frustratingly nuts. How can I move forward if my internal problems can’t change.

I find it hard to read. My mind wanders and I fit out. Even these posts take 5 or 6 times to write simply due to fading out. I watch TV and forget plot lines. I tell my wife an interesting fact I’ve heard … 3 or 4 times as if it was new news. My mind is a mess.

There are a lot of people who know what they want to do, what they want to be from a young age. I never had that. There were a thousand things I wanted to be, could’ve been, and none came to fruition and now never will. It is hard to keep positive when you know this level of life, this status quo will go on until it slowly degrades to death. There is nothing more.
Sometimes It’s the minutia not the big picture that shows God’s finger in the pie.

“For you will certainly carry out God’s purpose, however you act, but it makes a difference to you whether you serve like Judas or like John.”
C.S. Lewis

I don’t care much for my place in the ‘plan’

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